Confidence is a Decision, Not a Feeling.

Confidence is something that has baffled and eluded me for years. I remember being in middle school and seeing other people walk with such purpose and power, speak with such strength, and laugh without reserve. Like they never worried about what others thought, they just embraced their own authenticity and never questioned if their authentic self was good enough. 

There was so much envy within me, not the kind where I hated them, but the kind where I just wished with everything I had that I could one day feel that kind of confidence within myself. It just seemed to come so easy for everyone else, but me, you know?

My thoughts typically were “Well if I lose some weight I will feel beautiful like them.” or “If I could just be good at something then maybe I will finally have some confidence within me.”

I thought that one day I would have improved enough, or changed enough, that I would finally discover that confidence that everyone else seemed to naturally possess. 

Now that I’m an adult, I have learned something important: confidence does not happen by achieving some obscure standard of importance or level of self-growth. Confidence happens when you decide to embrace what you bring to the table and stop wishing for what others seemingly have.

I used to believe that if I just achieved that goal or mastered that skill or worked on myself enough, that one day I’d wake up and finally feel this unshakeable confidence. I thought if I could just get rid of the fear, the limiting beliefs, the overthinking, then I’d be ready to take action. But here’s what I’ve learned: confidence doesn’t come from waiting for the right moment. It comes from deciding to show up for yourself every single day no matter what.

It’s not about waiting for the fear to go away. It’s about feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

Confidence Isn’t About Never Feeling Fear

One of the biggest lies we tell ourselves is that confident people don’t struggle like we do. That their confidence is effortless. Confident people don’t have fears, doubts, or limiting beliefs. Confident people, overthinking? Yeah right! They are just lucky enough to be born fearless, right?

WRONG. I know, I know. I was shocked to learn this too.

Confident people feel fear and doubt. They experience it just like the rest of us. Fear is a natural part of the human psyche. The difference is, when people choose to lead with confidence, they release that control fear had over them and take action despite their inner doubts or limiting beliefs. They feel the fear and do it anyway.

At this point you’re probably thinking “Well if it was that easy then everyone would be confident AF.” You’re right, it’s so easy to talk about it but putting it into practice is a whole different story. 

Trust me, I get it.

I remember when I had to do something that absolutely terrified me. I had to step so far out of my comfort zone that it triggered my fight or flight response. My brain immediately went into a panic:

What if I fail? What if people judge me? What if I look and sound stupid? What if I’m not as smart as I think I am? What if people laugh at me with their friends?

The fear felt paralyzing. My overthinking was turning into a thought spiral that felt impossible to stop. But then I had an “aha” moment—confidence was not going to arrive at some magical moment and drown my fears. I had to invite confidence to the function.

I realized I had been letting fear control me and I had allowed my limiting beliefs to become my core beliefs. 

I didn’t want to live this way anymore.

So I took one shaky step after another and I found myself standing outside of my comfort zone. 

And guess what? I was instantly confident and the rest is history. JUST KIDDING!

I didn’t instantly feel like the most confident person in the world. But I learned a valuable lesson that changed the perspective I had of myself, I was capable of doing hard things. That one decision to step out of my comfort zone despite my immense fears put me on a new path in life. I did it once, so I knew I could do it again. Every time I took that first shaky step away from what felt comfortable, my confidence got stronger and the belief I had in myself evolved.

That one small, very scary step changed the game for me and it can change things for you too. 

Confidence is a Muscle—You Have to Strengthen It

Confidence is an emotional muscle. And what do we do with our muscles? We exercise them.

What happens when we exercise our muscles? They get stronger!

If you never exercise your confidence, it will never get stronger. But the more you push yourself outside your comfort zone, the stronger it will get.

That’s why choosing confidence can’t be a one-time decision. You have to put effort into it over and over again. Making the choice to be confident, even when your limiting beliefs are louder or when it feels easier to shrink yourself and be small, can make all the difference. 

It is NOT easy. I recognize that. But living in a space where you feel small and don’t achieve your dreams because you’re afraid is hard too.

So tell me, which “hard” are you going to choose?

If you want to feel more confident, stop waiting for it to just happen. Start making the choice to take action, even before you feel ready.

Practical Ways to Strengthen Your Confidence

Now, I know this is easier said than done. It may even feel impossible at times.

That’s okay. Small steps can create big change if we stay consistent with it.

Here are some practical things you can do to start strengthening your confidence today!

1. Do One Small Thing That Scares You Every Day

Confidence isn’t built overnight—it’s built by taking one small step and making a choice everyday to step outside of your comfort zone. It will feel so scary at first, but think about who you want to be in the future. What would future, confident, happy you choose in that moment? Challenge yourself to do one thing each day that pushes you even slightly beyond what feels safe.

• Speak up in a meeting

• Start a conversation with someone new

• Post that thing you’ve been too nervous to share

• Say “no” to something that doesn’t align with you

• Try something you’ve always wanted to do but felt intimidated by

Each time you do, you’re proving to yourself that you can. And over time, those little wins will add up to big changes.

2. Separate Feelings from Facts

Your brain is great at working against you. It will tell you all kinds of stories about why you’re not good enough, why you should play it safe, why you’re not ready. But that’s the fear taking over. Just because you feel like its true, does not make it true.

When self-doubt creeps in, ask yourself:

• Is this thought based on evidence, or is it just fear talking?

• If my best friend told me this about themselves, what would I say to them?

• What would my most confident self do in this moment?

If you’re trying something for a second or third time, ask yourself:

• What did I learn from last time that prepared me to conquer it this time?

Remember: feelings are temporary. The decision to take action is what actually creates change. And after you take action, you may find that your feelings about stepping out of your comfort zone will change.

3. Stop Waiting for Perfection

Perfectionism is the enemy of confidence. Striving for perfection can lead us to continuously plan and prep but can keep us from actually taking action. If you’re waiting until you feel 100% ready, until you know exactly what you’re doing, until everything is flawless—you’ll be waiting forever. Remember, you will learn a lot from experience, not just from planning.

Confidence doesn’t mean doing things perfectly. It means you’re willing to just do it and learn as you go. The most confident people don’t have it all figured out. They just didn’t let fear stop them from starting and taking action. 

Challenge yourself to take one action step towards your goals today. We all have things we want to achieve in life. What is one step you can take today to get you closer to your goal?

4. Treat Yourself Like Someone You Love

The way we speak to ourselves holds more power than we realize. If your inner voice is constantly telling you that you’re not good enough, not smart enough, not capable enough—it’s no wonder you don’t feel confident. The more we hear those negative statements, the easier it is for us to believe them.

Ask yourself: Would I ever talk to my best friend the way I talk to myself? If the answer is no, it’s time to change the narrative.

• Replace self-criticism with self-compassion

• Celebrate your progress, no matter how small, not just your end results

• Acknowledge the times you’ve been brave, even in small ways

Confidence grows when you start treating yourself like someone worth believing in.

The Mental Health Side of Confidence

If you struggle with confidence, it’s important to recognize that it’s not just about “thinking positively” or “pushing through.” Your mental health plays a huge role.

• If you deal with anxiety or past trauma, confidence can feel even harder to access. It’s okay if your journey looks different. Healing and self-trust take time. Give yourself grace while you learn to manage your mental health. Don’t compare, your journey is uniquely yours.

• If you constantly feel drained or stuck, it might be time to look at what (or who) is influencing your mindset. Who are you surrounding yourself with? What kind of content are you consuming? What do you do in your downtime? It all has an effect on how we’re feeling and navigating through life.

• If you’re struggling with self-worth, confidence will always feel out of reach. Sometimes the real work isn’t about just building confidence—it’s about unlearning the things that made you doubt yourself in the first place. Sometimes you need to find the root cause before you can rewrite your story.

Confidence and mental health go hand in hand. Be patient with yourself. Seek support when you need it. And remember that confidence isn’t about being fearless—it’s about choosing to move forward, even when fear is present.

You Get to Decide Who You Are

At the end of the day, confidence isn’t about waiting until you feel a certain way. It’s about making the choice, over and over again, to show up as the person you want to be.

So what would change if you stopped waiting to “feel” confident? If you started making decisions as if you already were?

Because the truth is—confidence isn’t something you’re given. It’s something you become. And that transformation starts the moment you decide to believe in yourself, even just a little bit more today than you did yesterday.

And that’s a choice only you can make.